We’ve all been there. A friend loses a loved one, a colleague receives devastating news, or someone we care about is going through something unimaginable. We want to help, but we freeze. The fear of saying the wrong thing often leads us to say nothing at all.
It’s hard to be there when someone experiences profound loss or pain. You may feel there’s nothing you can say or do to make the person feel better, and that’s okay.
I understand what it’s like to lose someone you love so deeply, and one of the most painful parts about grief is that even though many of us have experienced loss, it’s still so hard to find the right words, and this can be incredibly lonely and isolating.
Because people don’t want to say the wrong thing, they often say nothing. And that silence can be incredibly painful.
But here’s what people often don’t realise – the person who’s grieving doesn’t always know what to say either. We’re all in this horrible and unfortunate situation together.
The Power of Simple Presence
Whilst we’re all different in how we process grief and challenge, I believe we share one fundamental need: we all just want to feel cared about. You don’t need perfect words. You don’t need to fix anything. You simply need to show up.
When words escape you, these simple messages can communicate what matters most:
1. “Your friendship is important to me, and I will be here for you when you need me”
This reminds them they’re not alone and that your support isn’t temporary. It’s an open-ended offer that lets them decide when and how they need you.
2. “I just want you to know I am thinking of you”
Sometimes the most powerful thing is simply being held in someone’s thoughts. This requires nothing from the grieving person – no response, no update, no performance of being okay.
3. “How are you feeling today?”
Notice the “today” – it acknowledges that grief and difficulty come in waves. It gives permission to have bad days without feeling like they’re not making progress.
The Beauty of “No Pressure” Messages
One of the kindest things you can do is remove the burden of response. When someone is struggling, even replying to a text can feel overwhelming.
- No need to reply, just letting you know I’m here
- Don’t feel you have to respond – just sending love
- I love you
- Thinking of you today
- Im so sorry to have heard this news. You are in my thoughts.
Just Being a Friend
Some of the most meaningful support in my circumstances has come from friends who simply continue to be my friends.
They send a heart emoji each morning.
They share what they’re up to that day – their plans, their ordinary life and making me laugh.
There’s nothing about loss or grief.
They’re just present, maintaining the rhythm of friendship, reminding you that you’re still you, not just your grief.
When Grief Meets Work
I recently met with someone who sent me an email before our meeting: “I just wanted to acknowledge the pain you must be going through.” I really appreciated that.
In a work context, acknowledging someone’s loss and then discussing work can coexist.
Life moves forward.
There’s something powerful about someone saying, “I see your pain,” and then continuing to treat you as a whole person with work to do, contributions to make, and a life that continues.
When You Have Similar Experience
If you’ve been through something related, people have shared with me:
“My experience was different, but I remember feeling…”
This validates without comparing, shows empathy and connects through emotion while respecting that their journey is unique.
The Truth About Not Knowing What to Say
Sometimes people have shared really heartfelt messages with me, opening up about tragedies they’ve experienced.
And I’ve struggled to respond. I’ve simply said “thank you” or “thank you for sharing this with me” or “thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it.” Sometimes I just drop them a love heart.
I think this is OK. We’re all human. All struggling to connect and navigate across the pain we find ourselves in.
The Bravery of Showing Up
It takes real courage to not know what to say but offer your words anyway.
The easiest thing would be to say nothing.
So when you do reach out, it means so, so, so much.
It really is brave to stumble through your uncertainty and show up anyway.
A Final Thought
The next time you’re faced with someone’s pain and don’t know what to say, remember: your uncertainty doesn’t disqualify you from showing up.
In fact, your message might be exactly what they needed to see in that moment.
The fear of saying the wrong thing often comes from believing we need to have answers or solutions.
Your willingness to sit in your discomfort of not knowing what to say but saying something anyway speaks to the person you are. Kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, compassionate, respectful and truly amazing.
And finally ( for now ☺️), when you don’t know what to say. Just be honest.
